I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
