I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
