my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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