A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
