White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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