saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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