Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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