Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
