my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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