Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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