Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
