this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
