My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
