i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
