i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
