Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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