can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
