kristin has been a bad kristin
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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