I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
