I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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