Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What a dumb baby whore.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
