woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
