Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
