John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need a burrito and a hug.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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