so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
