Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
