I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
