i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
