dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just cut my nipple shaving
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
