I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
