Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
