the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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