My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
