finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
