Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
