Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you never un-have a 4some
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
