I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I want a musical about memes.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
