The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
