Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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