i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
