He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
