I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
