From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
