The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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