Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
