I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
