His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
