I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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