i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
