It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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