if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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