Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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