Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
