I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
